Celebrating 35 Years
HELPING Rev. David C. Hammerle, Most people think of grief in connection with death. However, grief has more to do with loss than with death. While death may be understood as the loss of a loved one, the fact is that when a loved one dies, the losses will be many in number. Suppose a parent of a young child dies. When you count the losses for the child, you must consider the many areas of the child’s life that involved the parent. The loss of companionship, security, provider, caregiver, mentor, consoler, future dreams, listener, someone with whom to share special moments and feelings, and much more will likely serve as a small portion of the child’s list of losses. In order to help a child with his/her grief, one should consider all possible losses that the child is facing. The understanding that grief is linked with loss should also make us realize that the passing of a loved one is not the only cause of grief for a child. Divorce brings grief into a child’s life in ways that could be even more devastating than the death of a parent. In cases of divorce, one could add self-esteem, positive role model, the ability to trust, and a few other personal losses to the list. (Losing a positive role model is linked with parents that express their bitterness by doing and saying hurtful things to each other.) Many times grief can be linked with physical losses. Moving from one neighborhood to another can mean the loss of friendships, feelings of environmental security, acceptance with a peer group, pets if the new location does not allow for them, my own bedroom, and favorite teachers. The problem that comes from linking grief only with death lies in the fact that grief without a death is often overlooked or misunderstood. In these cases the child will likely be made to feel that there is something wrong with him if he does not get excited about his new home, or become immediately involved with making new friends. One child was heard to say, "What’s the sense of making friends, you’re only going to have to say good-bye to them." A second important observation would suggest that it is not necessary for the helper to bring the hurting child through each stage of the cycle. The greatest value of the cycle observation is to help both the grieving person and the helper to understand that the feelings are acceptable and very much a part of the grief experience. KEYS FOR HELPING CHILDREN EXPERIENCE GRIEF SUCCESSFULLY: Recognize the child’s right to have feelings. In many cases, grieving adults are so caught up in their own emotions that they fail to see when children are experiencing their own emotional struggles. It is important to be aware that the child’s experiences are just as real as that of the adult. Adults should also be aware that the emotional confusion which they experience as an adult will be even more frustrating to a child who cannot think in the abstract. Children learn in the concrete. That is they grasp what they can visualize or experience rather than that which they cannot visualize. Example: The child is told that grandmother is sick. The child can grasp what it means to be sick because they have been sick. The fact that this sickness will cause grandmother to die and the child will not be able to talk with her is not something that the child has experienced and therefore he is unable to grasp this. One illustration that has been used to help a child grasp death is a focus on the leaves of fall. The leaves fall to the ground and the tree becomes bare for the winter. In the spring, green leaves will reappear. If you can instill in the child a faith that one day we will be together in heaven, you may help him find hope in the midst of sadness. Patience and hope will be two keys for making this mode of comforting helpful. The hope is for the child and the patience is for the adult. It may take much patience to work with the child’s repeated asking of when grandmother will come back. Anger is a very important part of the grief cycle. The Bible teaches us to "Be angry and sin not." There is nothing wrong with a child becoming angry over his/her losses. We need to recognize the right of the child to be angry if we are going to help the child to vent that anger in a positive manner. As long as the child is not hurting himself or others, allow him to vent. The venting should then be followed with questions. Never ask "Why" questions. "Why" is a judgment question. Ask about things the child can describe. "What" questions are important. "What do you remember the most about your grandmother?" Sharing of feelings is what needs to happen. Answering questions should help this sharing. Fear that they will lose someone or something else often grips the child. The reassuring presence of close family members is helpful here. Yet, people often send the child to sitters to help themselves deal with their own time of grief. Never assume that children who are not crying are handling their grief properly. They need to talk!
New Day, Inc.
CHILDREN MANAGE GRIEF
(M.A., M.Ed., DAPA)
UNDERSTANDING THE GRIEF CYCLE:
When considering the grief cycle, we need to realize that the description of the person’s emotional state is nothing more than an observation of what different individuals experience when going through a time of grief. This means that the cycle may differ from person to person and loss to loss.
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